Marital Conflict

Real Life Drama

Human conflict and tension permeate the diaries. This is due to a combination of factors:

  • Robert McCallum’s fiery and irritable personality
  • His wife’s mental instability and petulance
  • The combative and quarrelsome nature of his construction work
  • His numerous journeys during a time when travel was fraught with discomfort and hardship.

Marriage Conflict

Right from the beginning, the relationship had tension.  He was 40, she 22 at the time they got married. Though there were periods of happiness, for the next 35 years, we witness an extremely complex relationship that was dysfunctional on many levels.

Though there were occasions of kindness and companionship, (playing cards and going to the movies together), for the most part, he would pursue his own interests, and she hers. It is telling that he never took her on his travels and he would often be away for months at a time.

Despite all, there was lots of passion and periods of tenderness. The diaries indicate a softening with age and they did stay together through thick and thin and to the very end.

What They Argued About

It is sometimes difficult to tell who was at fault in their quarrels, though it is not difficult to tell what they clashed about. They argued about:

  • Money matters
  • Her severe mood swings
  • Jealously about other women (real or imagined)
  • His going out with his buddies
  • Withholding sex
  • Her frequent mood swings
  • Child raising

The conflict manifested itself in a variety of ways:

  • Verbal abuse
  • Silent treatment
  • Temper tantrums
  • Disrespect
  • Snide remarks
  • Distrust
  • Manipulation
  • Retaliation
  • Physical abuse

“Hetty Has The Pip”

There is an unfamiliar term that regularly appears in the diaries:

“Hetty has the pip”

The phrase “got the pip” is an old English term meaning a person is in a temper, is annoyed, dispirited or in a bad mood.  The term appears hundreds of times over the course of their marriage.

Arguments About Money

Much of the anguish in the relationship was over financial matters. The diarist alludes on numerous occasions that “Hetty is such a poor manager of money”.  Sample extracts:

  • “Hetty got the pip when I asked how much it cost”
  • “Spent too much on a dress”
  • “We spent a lot of money this year”
  • “Changes will have to take place”

Tantrums Over Other Women

McCallum and Hetty encountered some prickly periods in their marriage dealing with mistrust and paranoia over other women. Some reaction appears to be justified, others not. Sample extracts:

  • “Hetty got the pip over remark about an old girlfriend”
  • “Hetty found another woman’s information in my pants pocket”
  • “She has been snooping in my office”
  • “Hetty says it us on account of the likes of me that Mt Eden closes at night”
  • “Hetty got pip because I went for a swim with another woman”

Irritated Over Boys Night Out

McCallum was extremely social and outgoing, Hetty less so. This disparity caused significant friction over the years.

This difference was exacerbated due to McCallum, while apparently a loving and attentive father, would still go out at night with his buddies to play cards and typically come home later than what was considered acceptable.

  • “Hetty grumpy because I was late even though I sent wire”
  • “Hetty was too rude to come down & say hello to guests”
  • “Got the pip and locked door of the house”
  • “No tea for me”
  • “Forced to make own dinner”
  • “Locked me out of the bedroom, took key”
  • “Had to sleep in office”

Clashes Over Treatment Of Children

Occasional torment would ensue over the treatment of their children. Hetty at times was prone to lashing out, spanking and hitting the kiddies and McCallum clearly found this disturbing:

  • “Hetty has been knocking the kids about”
  • “Hetty was very unkind to Valerie”
  • “Hetty got the pip and would not put the kiddies to bed”
  • “Hetty got the pip over me cutting Bruce’s hair”
  • “Hetty accused me of turning Ivan against her” (an accusation made 3 years after Ivan’s death)

Verbal Abuse

McCallum recorded how many of their quarrels with his wife turned into “howling matches” and name calling.   Sample extracts:

  • “Got some damnable insults from Hetty”
  • “She called me a lot of foul names”
  • “Hetty spoke unkindly to me”
  • “Hetty gave a lot of cheek”
  • “Cant get a civil word from her”
  • “She told me to clear out”
  • “Hetty gave me impudence”
  • “Said she hated the sight of me”
  • “She called me a liar”
  • “She said I am the most contemptible man she ever saw”
  • “She called me an old husband”
  • “That’s her usual way of riling me”

Retaliation

Most of the time these domestic conflicts remained verbal or resulted in days of tension due to her silent treatment. Once or twice however these incidents escalated into something physical.

  • “Hetty kicked me in the shins”
  • “She slapped my bottom”
  • “I slapped her face”

McCallum was not blameless when it came to name calling. In his journals he writes some extremely disrespectful things about his wife. In some instances he also records intention to retaliate to her outbursts.

  • “She has less sense than a maggot”
  • “She is the damnest liar that ever lived”
  • “She is mad”
  • “I will make her suffer for it”
  • “She will be sorry for saying that”

Love Regardless

Though his own behavior provoked many incidents, McCallum was sensitive and despite his outward bravado, it is clear the conflict hurt him.

You get the sense that despite all the ultimatums, insults and caustic rhetoric, he still loved her, and the periods of conflict saddened him and wore him down. He is despondent when she doesn’t write to him when he is away traveling.

  • “Hetty forgot my birthday”
  • “Things are looking gloomy for me”
  • “Went to bed, all alone”